dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
