Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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