my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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