my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
