So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
