Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
