you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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