haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
