She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Pooping to opera.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
