I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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