i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
