I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
