My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
