I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
