We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
3 2 1 whiskey
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
