I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
