I just threw up on my dentist
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
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He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
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It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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