I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
