I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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