Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
