So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
