The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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