I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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