I think scott just propositioned me for sex
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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