I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
