had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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