I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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