The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
