mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
