we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
