Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
