Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
