Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So apparently I’m into choking now
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
