I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
