Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
