and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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