One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
