There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
