You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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