What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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