He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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