I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
