I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize