Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
