never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
