Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
