can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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