I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
