You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
