pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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