so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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