I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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