Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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