I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
