I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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