i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
